Confessions of a Social Media Sherlock

Greetings, fellow digital detectives and connoisseurs of online curiosity! Brace yourselves, for we delve into the murky depths of social media stalking, a pastime as common as cat videos and questionable political rants (which, let's be honest, sometimes feel like cat videos actually).

Now, let's be real: who doesn't occasionally peek at the profiles of crushes, exes, or that colleague you suspect has a secret collection of teaspoons? It's practically in our human operating system, right next to the fight-or-flight response and the insatiable urge to procrastinate with Buzzfeed or Zikoko quizzes.

However, there's a fine line between casual observation and full-blown archaeological adventure. And let me tell you, I unearthed an artefact the other day that nearly sent me into social media oblivion.

So, there I was, innocently scrolling through [insert social media platform], casually admiring someone's holiday snaps (because who doesn't love good gossip? 🤷‍♀️ ), when suddenly... my finger twitches like a possessed rodent and BAM! I like a post from 2016.

2016! Back when boys were still wearing carrot jeans and those AMA KIP KIP shirts. My God 🙂 . A post so ancient, it probably predates the birth of Wole Soyinka. Panic sets in faster than you can say "I’m finished." Do I un-like? Do I message a weird explanation? Do I pretend it never happened and hope they haven't received notifications for likes older than the pyramids?

My friends, in that moment of sheer terror, I discovered the ultimate, and undeniably ridiculous, cover-up strategy: the elaborate comment. Yes, you read that right. Instead of slinking away like a shadow banished by sunlight, I crafted a comment so outlandishly specific, so bizarrely absurd, that it could only be interpreted as a deliberate deflection.

Believe it or not, it worked. The person responded with a weird "…okay?" and quickly moved on. Crisis averted, dignity somewhat intact. God no go shame us. 😭 

So, the moral of the story? Stalking is inevitable, but liking ancient posts requires ninja-level reflexes and a willingness to embrace the absurd. Remember, sometimes the best defence is a good offence (and a healthy dose of self-deprecating humour).

Until next time, happy (and responsible) stalking!

P.S. If you have any even more ridiculous social media cover-up stories, please share them in the comments! We all need a good laugh (and maybe some tips for the next inevitable slip-up).

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Esther ♥️